'Just because I write about something doesn't mean I want to have a conversation about it.'
— Olivia Petter speaking in 'The Power of Vulnerability, Finding Your Niche in Journalism, Viral Posts, Writing about Love, Relationships and Culture' podcast episode #112, The London Writer's Salon Podcast.
Writer Olivia Petter sharing what she feels comfortable writing about and what she feels comfortable talking about really piqued my curiosity today as I listened to her episode of The London Writer's Salon podcast on my commute. It was fascinating to gain a little insight into the way someone who writes so candidly about personal experiences navigates the social world. I recognised the freedoms of writing and tensions of finding speaking harder that she mentioned.
As I have written many times before, when I first let go of my anonymity it was because I was nominated for a Mind Media Award and I wanted to attend the event. I could hardly attend with a paper bag on my head and I felt strong enough to do it, probably bolstered by the approval attached to being nominated for an award. I shocked all of my family (and lots of my friends) when I told them because they didn't know I had 'made a bit of a thing' out of writing about my personal experiences online. I thought that people in my life knowing about this would lead to questions, but, to my surprise, there were very few. Before revealing this part of my life, I had worried for weeks about how I would manage questions. It felt strange to realised that, in actual fact, very few questions were going to be asked.
Listening to Olivia Petter speaking today, I relate to the discomfort she expresses and how she feels safer when writing. There is a sense of safety in the time I can take to form the sentences and the freedom to delete anything I decide I don't feel comfortable sharing. For me, there is no automatic sharing of the ground covered by my blog and book into my life beyond. At times when this crossover happens, it's liable to feels new and unusual for me. Strangely enough, there are lots of people in my life who definitely know what I do and what I write about, but we have never mentioned or acknowledged this in conversation with each other. Am I alone in this experience of things going written but unspoken, or am I in good company? As I listened to Olivia, I found myself curious about how common this 'written but unspoken' phenomenon is amongst people who write.
For me, the quality of things going written but unspoken isn't because I don't want to speak with people in my life about things I share online or in my books. In fact, I am fully open to it. Whilst it might make me uncomfortable, but I think ultimately it would help me grow. Why? I think it would help me join up the different 'parts of me' in a way that would make me feel more whole. Not that I don't feel whole already. I do. I just think it would just make me feel even more whole. If you get what I mean.
Mostly, the things that hold me back from talking about what I write about it is fear that people will feel uncomfortable, disgusted, offended, embarrassed or simply bored. I understand if they feel those things. I get that it may not be interesting. At the end of the day, I am clear that I write this blog for myself, because it helps me understand my life, and also for others who have BPD because I know it can be lonely and it helps sometimes to relate to strangers on the internet.
I know this because the traffic on my analytics is proof. I am continually surprised by the numbers who visit this blog, including returning visitors (hello!). I also know this because thoughtful people contact me frequently to express gratitude (thank you, this means a lot!). I also have my own inspirations for doing this blog because I used to be that person who would return time and time again-- to Debbie Corso's YouTube and blog. Debbie made me feel seen for the first time. I sobbed as I watched her talk openly about her experiences. I be open like Debbie, for myself and also for others.
So, if you're reading this post and we know each other in 'real life', you are welcome to break the break the fourth wall (second wall?) and talk with me about anything I write. I don't think I will be 'weirded out'. It's okay. I just might get flustered (at least inwardly, if not outwardly) and two hour's later not manage to hold back from sending a message about how 'silly' I maybe sounded or how much I felt I 'overshared'. But if you can cope with that, then...well, it's all good.*
*Honestly though, I am really, really, really working on not panicking after sharing personal information or talking about my life. I know that I deserve to speak about my life, but sometimes this knowledge slips and anxiety temporarily. Please know that I am really, really working on not sending messages like this and slowly getting stronger as every year goes by.
-Rosie x
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