After I finished my first book, I thought I would archive this blog and say goodbye. I felt I would be at the end of my road with it and believed it would be something I no longer felt compelled to do. Oh how wrong I was! Three more years have passed since the publication of my first book and I'm still here, feeling as keen as ever to write.
I'm someone who thinks and feels a lot and I need a place to put all these thoughts and feelings otherwise I think my head would explode. I talk a lot (I mean, a lot!) with my husband and my friends, but I need something in addition. I have my journals, which I have written about imperfectly here, and my blog runs somewhat parallel. Both are containers for my thoughts and feelings, but the subject matter varies. In my journals, I write a lot about my personal life, such as my family, friends, things that happened during my day, reflections on my work and so on. As a mum, I keep a lot of memories of my little girl and how she is growing. On this blog, I write about some of the same aspects of my life, such as my relationships, but in a more veiled way to protect my privacy and that of others in my life. In my journal, I am not guarded at all and I let it all out!
That being said, a key component of this blog is authenticity; if I don't feel I am being fully honest then I don't bother writing it. My only interested in elephants in the room to to invite them into the conversation; I'm not interested in faking anything or pretending to be anyone other than myself. Over the years, I've learnt how to write about incredibly personal topics, like my struggles with self-harm, eating disorders, suicidal ideation, paranoia and moments of intense emotional distress, without feeling like I'm compromising my boundaries or overly-exposed because I know what I am comfortable sharing on here and what I'm not.
My long-standing blog readers with any inference skills will know there are plenty of things I don't write or speak about with Talking About BPD, even though I'm happy to bare many vulnerable moments for my readers. I have no issue with telling my readers about how I've sobbed on the floor of many a train station, announced to my housemates I'm leaving their house because they all secretly hate me and had anxiety attacks so intensely that I started imagining the police were coming to get me. What I don't want to say, I don't say that.
These days, my blog is equal part for me and equal part for others. I like sharing the thoughts and feelings I've translated into words, and I like the idea that it could bring someone else comfort: Oh, so it's not just me. / I thought I was the only one! / I didn't know that was 'a thing'.
When I write a blog post, I have (imagined) readers and these help the writer in me come alive. It's hard to admit this because it makes me feel vain, but I suppose I like the feeling of 'being seen' otherwise I wouldn't do it. That being said 'being seen' makes me uncomfortable and embarrassment is a feeling I associate with my blog and book. Why did you say this? Why did you not keep his quiet? These cross my mind all the time. The interconnected-ness of 'the me' as a writer and 'the you' as a reader has productive tension. It's similar to the kind of tension I feel when a therapist just stares at me waiting for me to speak or the 'typing' pops up on WhatsApp after I've sent a message that made me feel exposed.
For me, it feels better to get things out in the open, regardless of what (chaos) might ensue. Chaos for me is generally preferred to silence. At least chaos can be worked though, silence just...festers.
So, now for my questions for reflection if you're considering starting a blog or really any sustained public writing of a personal nature. I hope these questions will help you reflect and guide you.
What do you want to share?
What do you not want to share?
Why are you choosing to share instead of keeping it private? (There is no judgement attached to this question)
What are your boundaries regarding what you will and will not share?
How would you feel if someone you knew read your blog? Family, friends, colleagues?
Do you want to remain anonymous?
Do you want to use a pen name?
What will the tone be?
What are your hopes for the blog?
Do you have an audience, real or imagined?
How will you know if the blog is serving your best interests?
I hope these are helpful questions. I've had to figure a lot of them out as I've gone along as when I first started my blog I felt very alone and very desperate. I remain ever- grateful for what my blog has given me (comfort, affirmation, release, confidence, clarity of expression, validation, connection) and am thankful for all my readers.
-Rosie x
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