One of the most common confusions I have encountered over the years is about the concept of validation. Validation is a hot topic in BPD communities because it's precisely what so many of us with this diagnosis need— and have spent our whole lives lacking.
Before we get up close and personal with validation and debunk some of its myths, let's look at the idea of 'invalidating environments' (Linehan, 1993). This is a theory that many people with BPD hold dear to them, maybe even relating to it as an origin story of sorts for their difficulties.
Invalidating environments
Dr Marsha M. Linehan, of Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) fame, highlighted a link between growing up in an ‘invalidating environment’ and the development of BPD for some people, especially those with innate emotional sensitivity. Dr Linehan described an ‘invalidating environment’ as one in which ‘the communication of private experiences is met by erratic, inappropriate, and extreme responses’ (Linehan, 1993).
When a child in a so-called invalidating environment expresses their emotions and feelings, they are dismissed, ignored, ridiculed or criticised. They may also be disbelieved: ‘you’re fake crying’, ‘you’re pretending to be angry’ or ‘when you say no, you actually mean yes’. Phrases like ‘stop being so sensitive / dramatic / attention-seeking’, ‘get over it’, ‘stop making a fuss’, ‘you can’t possibly be upset about something so small’, ‘why are you so sensitive?’ come to mind.
In some cases, the child isn’t told anything verbally, but the non-verbal responses of adults around teach them that their emotions are not welcome: it's not okay to show your true feelings. I can imagine that this is familiar to lots of my blog (and book readers). My heart goes out to you because this stuff hurts. It hurts like hell. If you're sensitive to start with it hurts like hell and back again.
Validating responses
I believe pretty much all humans benefit from validation. Most people who are crying don't find comfort in the words 'stop crying' and telling someone who is angry 'calm down' usually fans the flames. However, for people with BPD validation can be essential. In my humble opinion, it should be the first thing people learn about when they want to understand how to help a person with BPD. There are lots of (complicated) definitions of validation, but here is my take. My only qualifications are that I am someone who benefits enormously from validation and is always at the ready to to give it to others who need it too:
To validate someone is to:
recognise and acknowledge their feelings
communicate that they are allowed to have these feelings
allow these feelings to be present; not try to shut them down or push them away
understand that these feelings are happening for a reason, even if the reason doesn't seem obvious to you or logical given the present facts of the situations (perhaps it makes sense given their past experiences, for example).
Here is an example of what this may resemble:
Oh, I saw you were crying so I came over to see you.
[Person says sorry for crying] You are definitely allowed to cry. I am totally fine with crying.
[Say nothing whilst person cries, maybe pass a tissue etc]
No wonder you are crying given how much you have on your mind lately. If you want to tell me about it, you are welcome to tell me.
What validation is not
People think validating is only possible when you agree what the person is feeling or saying. This is not true! Validation is about recognising, acknowledging and allowing a person to feel however they are feeling. This is absolutely not the same as agreeing with or confirming the content of what they are expressing.
Let me give an example. Imagine a person is panicking because they think the lift they are in is going to break down. Validating would be about recognising their anxiety and acknowledging their fear: 'I know being in this lift is making you feel anxious. You are worried about being trapped in here.' It could involve humanising it a bit for them, for example, 'lots of people have a phobia of lifts, that's understandable given how small a space they are'.
This is as far as validation goes. It doesn't stray into siding with thoughts that you feel are not true. It doesn't mean agreeing: 'yes, that's right, the lift is going to break and you will be trapped.' To validate someone is not to 'sell out' and give up your own beliefs and assessment of reality.
Why is it helpful?
I really hope this is helpful in explaining what validation is and what it's not. I've heard too many instances of people saying they don't want to validate their loved ones with BPD because they don't want to 'give in' or 'side' with thoughts that they don't believe are true. They believe validation will dangerously stoke the fears of their loved ones. That's not what validation is about! They think 'tough love' is the only way.
As you will know if you have BPD, tough love is precisely the worst thing for us after everything we have been through. Boundaries, given with as much clarity and kindness as possible- of course! But tough love. Please, please no. Validation is like a tonic for people with BPD. It helps the emotions take space in our bodies and then fade out when they are ready. It helps us accept ourselves a little more. It helps reduce the shame. I hope this post helps clear some misconceptions.
I also wanted to add— of course, self-validation is very important. It's something to work towards always. It's not always easily done though and let's not forget that humans are part of an interconnected web of connections. Community is a wonderful thing built on receiving, as well as giving, help. In a world that hold independence above interdependence, let's remember for a moment the feelings of closeness that come with feeling connected to one another.
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