Sometimes I pretend I feel absolutely fine when I feel so terrible all I can think about is how much I hate myself and how much I deserve to suffer. Sometimes I do a productive full day's work when I've been up late into the night panicking. Sometimes I meet up with a friend when all I've been thinking about for hours before is that I should cancel because maybe they don't really like me after all. Until a couple of years ago, I used to tell myself I was a really good actor (even though I am an absolutely dreadful actor) because I could hide my real feelings at the drop of a hat. Until more recently, I used to think I was dishonest because of this, but now I know it's not a lack of honesty: it's masking.
As I'm sure lots of blog readers will know, masking is a word most commonly used to describe the act of camouflaging autistic behaviours or traits in order to appear neurotypical. As the word masking is most commonly used by, or in reference to, autistic people, I hope it's okay for me to use it as someone who isn't autistic. At present, I don't know a better word to apply to how I sometimes hide my mental health problems and emotions.*
The purpose of this post is to explain (maybe to myself?) why I sometimes mask my mental health difficulties and emotions. I have come to accept masking as something that is not shameful, but a necessary part of life for me. It's one of my (many) tools for navigating the world as a person with BPD, a person whose emotions can create an agonising sting that leaves me in tears, breathless and my head spinning.
Before we begin, I want to acknowledge the impact of masking amongst autistic people which is well-documented. Some of the impacts commonly noted include emotional distress, mental heath problems, loss of sense of self, isolation, being more vulnerable to abuse and more.** I can see how the impact could be somewhat similar for people who are not autistic but who mask their mental health problems. Before I had numerous people in my life I could be open with and express myself fully with, I felt very isolated, low, ashamed and disconnected from others. All the love I had felt fake: they only love me because they don't know me. They wouldn't love me if they knew.
However, that being said I currently treat masking as a tool that sometimes helps me in my life. I am not saying it will always be one of the tools in my toolkit, but at present it's useful (Perhaps if society's understanding changed, I would need to mask less. I probably would not be on my guard so much.)
Masking protects me from embarrassment
There are some situations where I don't want to show my emotions. I don't want to have to deal with the after effects or the fall out of having shown my mental health problems. I can think of numerous occasions where I didn't mask because I chose not to (perhaps feeling mistakenly safe with the person and wrongly predicting their response). Other times it was because the mask unintentionally cracked due to exhaustion or simply the sheer pressure of the emotions. Or because I just threw caution to the wind impulsively (not often wise).
Masking helps me avoid stigma
Showing emotions and having mental health problems is still seen by some people, unfortunately, as a weakness or a sign of being less capable. I don't want to open myself up to being seen as weak or less capable. Who does?! If I suddenly burst out crying at my daughter's parents' evening, would I be seen as an 'overly emotional mum' or an 'incapable mum'. I also want to be taken seriously and not have my mental health problems override all other aspects of my life. If I show anxiety or cry at doctor's appointment, for example, perhaps they would would label me in a certain way (depressed? anxious? neurotic? hyperchondriac? hormonal?) when in fact I will know why I am crying and what led to that. There is always an explanation for how I am feeling and I don't want words putting in my mouth by people in positions of power. The majority of the time I can pinpoint exactly why I feel the way I feel and can trace the trajectory from the origins of the emotion to the present expression. If I had a penny for every time someone had told me why I was feeling a certain way (as if they could read minds!) and was completely off the mark...
Masking makes me feel in control
Masking gives me the choice of when, how and to whom I disclose my mental health problems. If I didn't mask, then everyone would know and I don't want the whole world to know. I want to choose who I tell, when and how I do that because, honestly, I feel like the stigma feels too high and I can only handle so much. I don't want to lose opportunities or chances in life just because someone has seen me as a less capable of doing something because of traits that are seen as inferior eg: crying vs having a stiff upper lip, showing anxiety vs appearing cool calm and collected.
Masking protects others sometimes
I am aware that other people have emotional needs and sometimes I push my emotions down temporarily to give more space to let others have their emotions. I believe all humans do this and it's part of the give and take of human relationships. I don't see this as a bad thing. Relationships are variable depending on what the relationship is, power dynamics and so on.
Over the years, I used to end up hurting myself when I had to mask for long periods of time or in lots of situations. As I could rarely show my feelings, I had to have a release somehow and physical pain was the way. As the number of people I could be authentic with, and the number of situations and contexts I could be open in, grew the less I felt the need to hurt myself. I know I am not the only one experiencing this. Having people to be open with and spaces to be invisible in...it means less hurting and more healing overall. I am so, so grateful I inhabit these places and spaces where, a lot of the time, it's okay to be who I am. It hasn't always been this way and it's taken time to get here.
If you have any comments, I would love to hear them.
Rosie x
*If there is a potentially more useful word for me to use, I would been keen to know it.
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