I read a little on the origin of the maxim 'know thyself' and came to the conclusion that it has been applied in so many contexts, by so many different people, at so many different times that I may as well add my own two pennies' worth.
Honestly, I feel I've always known myself. I think I was born introspective, self-reflecting in my crib as I dreamt of milk and Spot the Dog. This life-long compulsion towards introspection has sometimes served me well (hello skills in GCSE poetry analysis), but also taken me to dangerous levels of rumination (hello catastrophising every little problem).
What I haven't always been able to do though with this self-knowledge is believe it. Over the years I have been tangled up in thought processes like the following:
Thought 1:'I know I feel overwhelmed when I am around people for long periods of time and don't spend enough time alone'.
Thought 2: 'That's silly. You love spending time with your friends. You don't really need all this time alone to recover. Stop spending time alone.'
Thought 1: 'I get suicidal thoughts when I experience high levels of stress for long periods of time, feel disconnected from other people and am not able to be fully myself.'
Thought 2: 'Don't be so ridiculous. You can't be suicidal. What have you got to feel suicidal about? You have everything in life. You would never be suicidal.'
It's hard to believe your feelings are true when you haven't seen these reflected anywhere other than your mind. When it comes to your mental processes and emotions, it's hard to know what's real and what's imagined when your imagination is as wild as mine! Especially in a world that doesn't always validate emotions and says things like: 'stop the crocodile tears', 'you're not really upset' and 'you have nothing to be angry about'. A person who has been invalidated so many times begins to invalidate themselves. I bet lots of you reading this will relate!
One of the reasons why getting a diagnosis of BPD was a relief for me was that I became aware, for the first time, that other people were like me. Others were, like me, having big emotional responses to things that other people brushed off. I found all these kindred spirits who were terrified of being rejected and felt ashamed of every tiny thing they said and did. This was a revelation! I wasn't the infamous 'only one!
Seeing my emotional reality reflected in others meant I could I could know myself and believe it! Learning to accept the reality of my emotional life, and how in some instances, it truly differs from other people, has enabled me to live in my own skin without constantly wanting to crawl out of it.
In light of this, I wanted to share eight things I know about myself that I found hard to believe in the past. This means that I can live in a way that supports me and aligns with my values, rather than my emotions constantly calling all the shots like they used to.
1. Socialising can be great, but it also tires me out. It’s important for me to balance spending time with friends and having time alone, otherwise I can’t manage my emotions. I found it hard to understand that in the past and would push myself to do lots of things in a short space of time which left me feeling emotionally drained and made it hard to manage strong emotions.
2. I have a very reactive startle reflex. I jump at everything. I can't watch horror on TV. It's just me. Some people are like this and I am one these people. There is nothing I can do to change it— and why should I?!
3. I tend to empathise strongly with people. I find it upsetting to see pictures or videos of war, violence, abuse and so on because I imagine too vividly how this might feel. I have come to realise that empathy has got me where I am today. It's built my friendships, developed my career and led me to write my books on BPD. In the past I thought I was a 'bad person' and that meant I didn't have empathy. I've learnt that this is a total lie and I'm proud to know the truth now.
4. I am prone to nightmares, especially if I see violent imagery (see point number 3). It's part of me and that's okay. I accept it now and adjust my life accordingly. I use parenting websites to check the content of films and TV. Even if it gives me a spoiler, it's worth the emotional safety it gives me.
5. I know that I mess up sometimes. I don't always manage to regulate my emotions; sometimes things get in the way and I don't figure out how to make them better before I become overwhelmed. I know that it's nearly impossible to hit the mark in all of my relationships all of the time, but now I know that I do have good intentions and I always try reflect on what went wrong and what could be done differently next time. I am willing to listen and learn, and that has to count for something.
6. I need to eat regularly and I need to eat lots. I get constant unsolicited comments I about my eating that usually go something like: 'whoa you eat so much!', 'you eat so often' or 'how do you eat so much and still look [insert whatever adjective].' It's tiring. I always knew I needed to eat often and large quantities, but I never accepted it. I berated myself for it and tried to fight it. When I started to accept it and honour that fact, life got easier for me. Eating enough food helps me regulate my emotions.
7. I need to talk about things and I need time to write, draw and be creative. Without these things I can't handle the intensity of life and all my feelings converge like chemicals into a test tube that surely will explode. I am lucky to have an amazing husband who I can talk to about anything and my brilliant friendships. When I failed to listen to my need for self-expression, I felt as though I couldn't contain everything in my mind.
8. Which brings me onto hypomania. In the past, I brushed off my concerns about hypomania (elevated mood, racing thoughts, feeling full of energy). Whilst I don't have a diagnosis of bipolar disorder, now I am older I do recognise my periods of hypomania and I take action to reduce them. When I feel hypomania coming on, I have to reduce excitment in my life. Even if that means stopping reading a particular book, talking about topics that enthuse me or writing something that excites me. Hypomania feels very creative for me, but ultimately it's destructive as if it goes unchecked it can make me 'crash' into a very low mood.
I would love to hear from you about what you know about yourself and whether you've found it hard to believe in these snippets of self-knowledge. Why do you think it's so hard to trust in what you know to be true?
Rosie x
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