I'm Struggling This Week

Let me tell you what's going on. Absolutely one of this will be a surprise to anyone who knows me well or who reads this blog!

I'm struggling with feelings of embarrassment. I'm re-experiencing the past in the present moment. I feel like I've made myself vulnerable so many times. I'm worried about my new book making me feel exposed. I feel like I've said too much, shown too much of myself, given too much of myself, been the first one to message too many times, been the one wanting more, been the one wanting others' time, been the one wanting reassurance and certainty.

I've made a few mistakes (or are they 'mistakes'?). I've been a bit impulsive with sending messages (have I?). I'm worried people didn't want to get a message from me on their phone. I'm shaming myself for that. I'm paranoid people are angry with me for trying to speak to them.

I'm full of paranoid thoughts that people are rolling their eyes and saying 'why did she write that?'.

I've got lots of big changes coming up in my life and this is making me feel anxious deep down. I keep worrying that everything I say has upset people. I've jumped to conclusions this week. I feel awkward. I feel uncomfortable. I feel like I'm constantly exposing my flaws and wondering how many will be too many before people turn their backs on me. I know I have to stay in the present moment and trust people when they show me who they are.

I told my husband that I wished I was someone else this weekend. He told me he doesn't want me to be anyone else except myself.

I hope I start to feel less raw and exposed soon. I think it's anxiety that's making me feel vulnerable and exposed like this. I feel scared that with all these upcoming changes that the many amazing relationships I have in my life might disappear. I don't want them to end. I really don't. That concept scares me. People mean the most to me in my life.

I also know I can't always be looking for external things to help me feel calmer inside.

I'm going to try really hard to stay grounded in the present moment. I'm going out for a walk soon and I hope that will help me.

Thanks for being here with me.

Rosie x

Update: I went out for a walk and that helped me. Seeing trees and flowers makes me feel part of something bigger than myself. Seeing other people walking by and getting on with their lives reminds me of things beyond the ruminations going on in my mind. I get stuck in my head. I feel alone when I'm not. The past comes to the foreground and colours the present. I played with my daughter and she grounded me into the present moment. I remembered my DBT therapist and all the times she told me to stay in the present moment as a way of reducing emotional pain. She is absolutely right and I'm grateful for what she taught me.