Earlier this year I wrote a post called 'Why I'm No Longer Ashamed' about why I'm not ashamed of having a BPD diagnosis. As I explained to Chris Young on a forthcoming podcast episode for his podcast series for the Royal College of Psychiatrists (I will share here when it's released!), I have more or less come full circle with how I relate to my BPD label.
However, that's not to say I don't feel shame. I wish that were the case! I feel shame ALL the time. This is never more true than when I talk to people about my life or myself. Take for example a WhatsApp conversation I recently had with a friend. I was sharing how I feel about my writing, what's important to me and so on. At one point in the conversation, the anxious part of my brain made itself very known and my thoughts sounded like this:
'Don't be so ridiculous'.
'Nobody cares.'
'Why do you think you're so special?'
'You're so arrogant.'
'Shame on you.'
'You're selfish.'
'You're an embarrassment'.
'You talk too much about yourself'.
WhatsApp can be particularly difficult for me due to the capacity to read back what I wrote. This can provide a special kind of torture for people who struggle with these kinds of difficulties. My thoughts look like this at times:
'Why did you write that?'
'Now they are going to think you are so arrogant'.
'They are going to think you're a terrible person.'
'You made yourself sound so bad.'
I find it really hard not to act on these thoughts. I have to fight myself not to apologise for what I expressed. I have to wrestle with the idea that it is okay to talk about myself and I am allowed to have an opinion. I used to cry and have panic attacks when I felt vulnerable, embarrassed and over-exposed like this, but I don't generally anymore (a huge success for me).
I imagine people might be thinking 'why has she not found a way to deal with that?'. Well, I have found ways to deal with this and most (but not all) of the time I can manage, but that doesn't mean I don't have these thoughts in the first place. If it were so easy to stop thoughts simply by wishing them away, then many mental health problems would be as extinct as the dinosaurs.
I imagine others may be thinking 'if she finds speaking so hard, why does she do it'. I have wondered the same myself at times! Why I do all the things I do and say all the things I say, when maybe it would be easier for me to stay in bed all day, never leave the house, never talk to anyone and...live under a rock?
Of course, I know why I do all the things I do and why I say all the things I say. The part of me that wants happiness and connection is louder than that other part of me. Also, I have had too many people believing in me, showing me love and holding a mirror up to me to help me see myself as I truly am.
To know a person with BPD is to know a person who has— from deep down somewhere— found the courage to show something of themselves in this sometimes harsh world. A little compassion keeps me (and most likely countless others) going further than I ever imagined.
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