Need for 'Certainty'. Need To Let It Go.

When I was nineteen I had a mental health crisis so serious that I physically broke down in the street and had to be semi-carried up a hill. When I reached the top of the hill, a plan was made about what to do with me. That plan involved me leaving my life at university behind, having round the clock care and not being left alone. I was terrified. My life folded origami-like, and I didn't know if I would ever unfold it again.

I did unfold it again, as you will know if you have read any of my writing. After nine months (the time it takes to grow a baby, but I was not growing a baby— I was growing my mental health), I went back to my life at university. Following quite a few ups and downs, I went to on to complete my degree. There too many bumps in the road to mention now.

One of the key parts to getting my mental health back to a state where I could string a sentence together, leave the house without crying and eat a meal without having a panic attack, was unravelling my need for certainty. I wanted to know what was going to happen all the time. Will they laugh at me? Will I be able to write the essay? Will my body change if I eat this thing? Will anyone ever love me like I want to be loved?

I had a therapist who worked with me on this need for certainty. He told me that if I untangled my fear of uncertainty, it would stand me in good stead for the rest of my life. Thank you for this, David*. The picture on David's consulting room wall was of the ocean. At the time, I thought it was a very good metaphor for surrender. I still think it's a very good metaphor.

David was right that working on my unhelpfully strong desire for certainty would stand me in good stead for life. Life is uncertain, he said. He was not wrong! I'm feeling this right now more than ever. I need to keep my cool as I navigate choppy waters. One of the ways in which I will be keeping my cool is reflecting on what I learnt, right there in front of that dramatic painting of the ocean, with David nearly fifteen years ago.

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I'm still uncomfortable with uncertainty, as awkward as that is to admit. I like to feel in control. My speciality is taking a topic and learning everything I can about it in an attempt to feel empowered. Knowledge makes me feel safe.** I like to ask questions— and like to get answers. Sometimes my thirst to know things is an enjoyable and productive way to live. Sometimes it's a nightmare. Not everything can be known. And not everything should be known before it starts to happen.

I remember David explaining schemas and how they affect how we feel about ourselves, others and our lives. Schemas were a big part of our conversations. If you're not familiar with this concept, Schema Therapy Institute writes:

Schemas or patterns consist of negative/dysfunctional thoughts and feelings which develop early in life as a result of the need for connection, autonomy, play and spontaneity, limits and assertion not being adequately met. The negative patterns are repeated and elaborated upon throughout a person’s life, and pose obstacles for accomplishing one’s goals and getting one’s needs met.

David helped me realise that a schema that was calling the shots in my life was the 'unrelenting standards' schema. I don't think 'unreleting standards' would have been a surprise to anyone in my life at the time, and probably wouldn't be a shock now either.

Schema Therapy Online shares ten indicators of the unrelenting standards' schema inclduing ' no matter what I do I always feel there just isn't enough time', 'I need everything to be done to very high standards' and 'I rarely switch off and relax- it feels like such a waste of time'.

Reflecting on these descriptors, I can see how the unrelenting standards schema can be an expression of fear of uncertainty. Having unrelenting standards was, I think, my attempt to make things feel certain or shape my future into a preferred outcome. I was terrified that life would not go according to my plan if I stopped working towards my goals.

Whilst the unrelenting standards schema is not causing pain in my life as it was back then, for better or for worse I'm still a relentless person. I still consider persistence and determination as driving forces in my life. If I'm honest, my persistence and my determination have twin origins. First it's my desire to do something useful with my life. Second, I work hard because I'm scared of what will happen if I don't. At work, I'm liable to give too much of myself and burn out. In my friendships, I can be like an overly excited golden retriever puppy because (deep down) I'm scared of them forgetting about me.

I know as we cross the threshold into 2025, I need to let go.

Thank you for being here with me in this liminal space between the end of this year and the start of the new one. I appreciate all of my readers as I share my thoughts in an attempt to understand myself better. I see the numbers in the 'traffic overview' and am always surprised to see how many people keep turning up here. Thank you so much for your presence.

Rosie x

*Name changed for anonymity! But thank you to this therapist. He was my first experience of 'proper therapy' and whilst it wasn't perfect, it was very good and helped me get through this time of my life. I learnt a lot about myself and much of this knowledge I still use to this day! Perhaps I will write about this another time.

**I even prepared to breastfeed my child like I was preparing for an exam: I read loads of books and took a ton of online courses. When my baby arrived, almost none of my learning was of any use. It was all experiential learning and a completely unique process entirely between me and my baby. No amount of preparation would have got my ready for that.