When I was nineteen I had a mental health crisis so serious that I physically broke down in the street and had to be semi-carried up a hill. When I reached the top of the hill, a plan was made about what to do with me. That plan involved me leaving my life at university behind, having round the clock care and not being left alone. I was terrified. My life folded origami-like, and I didn't know if I would ever unfold it again.
I did unfold it again, as you know. After nine months (the time it takes to grow a baby, but I was not growing a baby— I was growing my mental health), I went back to my life at university and went to on to complete my degree. There were many bumps in the road at that time, but this is the quick version of the story for now.
One of the key facets of getting my mental health back to a state where I could function in society, be left alone, do tasks like reading and writing (pretty essential for an English Literature degree, I think you will agree), was untangling my 'need for certainty'. I had, and still have to some extent, a fear of uncertainty. I have to laugh at myself here because certainty is a fallacy. I am aware that nothing is certain. Life is uncertain. Do I have a fear of life!? I know I have a love of life, but maybe this fear is its counterweight.
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I had a therapist who worked with me on my fear of uncertainty (amongst many other diffiulties). He told me that if I worked on this fear, it would stand me in good stead for the rest of my life. He was right about this, and many other things. This week I realised that I need to revisit what I learnt back then. Sooner or later, I'm going to face situations that are going to make me feel out-of-control (I will be out-of-control!) and I'm going to have to deal with this whilst keeping my cool.
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I'm very uncomfortable with uncertainty, as unfashionable as that is to admit. I like to feel in control. I like to take a topic and learn everything I can about it in an attempt to feel empowered. I like to ask questions— and like to get answers. Sometimes my thirst to know things is an enjoyable and productive way to live. Sometimes it's a nightmare.
I remember my therapist, the one I started working with shortly after I had the aforementioned breakdown in the street, working with me on schemas. If you're not familiar with schemas, Schema Therapy Institute writes:
Schemas or patterns consist of negative/dysfunctional thoughts and feelings which develop early in life as a result of the need for connection, autonomy, play and spontaneity, limits and assertion not being adequately met. The negative patterns are repeated and elaborated upon throughout a person’s life, and pose obstacles for accomplishing one’s goals and getting one’s needs met.
My therapist and I discovered that one of the schemas that was calling the shots in my life was the 'unrelenting standards' schema. I don't think this would have been a surprise to anyone in my life at the time, and probably wouldn't be a shock now either. I was relentless when I had a goal, barely ever rested and was constantly pushing myself. I count determination as one of my strengths, but occasionally it can be an overpowering force in my life and I have to tell my persistence to back down a bit for the sake of my health.
Schema Therapy Online shares the following as indicators of the unrelenting standards' schema.
1 No matter what I do I always feel there just isn't enough time.
2 I feel stressed and pressured most of the time.
3 I need everything to be done to very high standards.
4 I have to feel that I am the best in terms of performance.
5 I rarely switch off and relax - it feels like such a waste of time.
6 My relationships suffer because I push myself and work so hard.
7 I tend to drink more than I should because I just can't switch off.
8 There always seems like there is more to be done.
9 My health is starting to suffer because I am so wound up all the time.
10 I get quite irritated and annoyed easily.
Reflecting on these descriptors, I can see how the unrelenting standards schema might be an expression of a fear of uncertainty. Perhaps a more accurate articulation of fear of uncertainty might be: an attempt to make things feel certain or shape the future into a a preferred outcome. I know that I try really hard at some things in life because I'm scared of what will happen if I don't. At work, I am liable to give too much of myself and burn out. In my friendships, I can be like an overly excited golden retriever puppy because (deep down) I'm scared of losing my friends or them forgetting me.
I know the antidote to all of this fear and striving is to let go just a little bit. I have definitely let go a lot over the years, but I still have to loosen the knots more. This is something for me to keep in mind as we cross the threshold into 2025.
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Thank you for being here with me in this almost liminal space between the end of this year and the start of the new one. I appreciate all of my readers. I see the numbers in the 'traffic overview' and am always surprised to see how many people keep turning up here to read my thoughts. Thank you so much for your presence.
Rosie x