A little while ago, I wrote about my lifelong obsession (I think that word is apt and not an overstatement) with notebooks and sketchbooks. Writing and drawing have always been my containers when my feelings and emotions were overflowing. I thought I would go one step further than that post and share what some of these journals and sketchbooks looked like for me. You will see they were nothing short of survival for me.
The dates are on some of these images. Fast forward to today and life is wildly different. Yes, I still sometimes feel the tension between silence and speaking that so many of these images bear. However, I feel so free now. I hope knowing about this freedom brings some of you hope that it will come to you, if that's useful to you right now. These photos are of varying quality (!) and were taken several years ago on a whim.
I have so many pages over the years documenting the burden of holding it all inside and the pain of living with such a stigmatised diagnosis. This was drawn about three years after my diagnosis, so you can see I was still struggling to understand how to 'be' in the world.
I drew reams of these stick figures with different words in their mouths around 2015 to 2016. Some of these figures I don't want to share as they are too private to me or they are quite distressing. I struggled a lot with self-harm and suicidal thoughts, especially when I felt I couldn't be authentic or true to myself in interpersonal situations (for example for fear of judgment or fear of being rejected).
I felt a lot of pain around so-called positive emotions. I struggled with hypomania and intense levels of happiness that hurt me too. I sometimes still struggle with this a bit even now.
I think these images show my desperation, so it's sad sometimes for me to look at these. I was so lost and those feelings even had a physical dimension; you can see how empty these stick figures look. I didn't know how to understand my difficulties and how to reduce my distress. Through DBT, I gained this understanding and ways of being that didn't hurt.
I needed help but the word 'help' was often stuck in my mouth. I found it hard to speak. I did try sometimes, but it didn't always work the way I wanted it to.
There were many days and nights of utter desperation. I used to talk to Samaritans on the phone a lot, especially at night. They were there for me when I was in near-perpetual crisis. I feel so relieved to be out of this chapter. I live such a happy and calm life nowadays.
This picture is about falling into depression in 2014. That's an utterly terrifying feeling of loneliness for me. These images meant so much to me. It was satisfying to get the isolation out onto the page and visualise my internal state.
This is one of my most important images because it was one of the first images I drew when I lost the ability to write in 2014. I drew this to express how anxious and overwhelmed I felt by all the different worries in my life. In this picture, you can see my anxiety about the planet, communications (the letters), sleeping, my body and more. In the image, I am inside a coffin because that was a metaphor I used for being depressed.
I sketched many flow charts and similar mind maps where I discussed topics with myself. I used drawing and writing to figure out inner conflicts and navigate through the social world. I was desperate for glimmers of connection and when they happened they meant so much to me.
I thought I would end this post with a little sketch expressing why I draw. It's the same for why I write really.
I hope this post helps some of you. You are most definitely not as alone as you feel you are. There is a way through shame, silence, fear, even if you cannot comprehend it right now.
-Rosie
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