I'm struggling a bit this week with all my usual culprits: embarrassment, feeling exposed, social anxiety in certain situations, wondering if I've done some things I shouldn't have and just generally feeling as vulnerable as a naked mole rat in a storm.
If I'm completely honest too, a little smattering of paranoia has infiltrated my mind (thank you to my husband for pointing this out to me in his characteristic straight-to-the-point, yet exceptionally kind way). I don't want to discuss it in detail because it feels too personal, but I will say that it's related social situations and worrying what others could be saying about me behind my back. My husband has reassured me that he thinks my worries are unlikely, but I've realised I need to turn to my DBT skills with renewed enthusiasm to nip these difficulties in the bud.
Turning the mind
The first DBT skill I need to turn to in order to get through these feelings of vulnerability and exposure is 'turning the mind'. Whenever I catch myself ruminating on thoughts such as 'I've done something embarrassing' or 'they are laughing about me' is to turn my attention to something in the present moment. This could be reading my book, focusing on my podcast, looking at my surroundings and so on. As my old therapist used to tell me, paying attention to the worries will make them grow and paying them less attention will shrink them. This involves awareness and dedication, but I know I can do it because I've used this skill many times before and it has been effective for me.
Opposite action
Feeling self-conscious emotions such as embarrassment and shame sometimes make me want to text everyone in my phone contacts saying sorry to them for everything I've ever said, delete this blog because I'm cringing so much and generally run away and hide under a rock. Of course I'm not going to do these things. I need to keep my head up high and tell myself that it's okay to:
- be emotional about things that may seem small to other people
- be sensitive to things that other people may not notice
- feel hurt by small shifts in relationships
- wear my heart on my sleeve and be honest about how I feel and what I think
- show love and care freely in this sometimes harsh world
- not hide myself away.
Urge surfing
This involves sitting it out when urges to do unhelpful things enter my mind, notably checking behaviours and reassurance seeking. Whilst these actions allay fear temporarily, they perpetuate the cycle of anxiety. The STOP skill can be useful too. My video on this skill is my most watched YouTube video. I should probably re-watch it myself!
seeing the bigger picture
It's hard to 'ruin' any of the following with one small action:
- a relationship
- a career
- my reputation.
Yet it's easy for me to feel his way and I know you will relate if you have BPD. When I am thinking in this 'black and white way', this is is my reminder to extend my awareness to 'the shades of grey in between'.
Beginner's mind
Beginner's mind, also known as shoshin, is a concept from Zen Buddhism which describes letting go of preconceptions, cultivating openness and being open to seeing things afresh. This involves remaining open to possibilities that things may not be what you think they are or what you predict they will be based on what happened in the past. When you have experienced difficult events, even traumatic events, it's natural to feel they are repeating. Why me? Not this again? When will this end? Beginner's mind will be my friend this week and I am keen to embrace this to reduce my struggle this week. Radical Acceptance would also be another important, related, skill.
Just before I go and make a cup of tea, I just wanted to say thank you for reading. Through this blog, seeing the numbers of people from all over the world who are coming to this corner of the internet, I feel more connected to others going through similar experiences to mine.
Rosie x
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